You're Gonna Carry That Weight
by Aldrean Treu Peri
Summary: Features 'Smoke'. This is a four part series of vignettes each featuring on a different main character from Cowboy Bebop. The stories are largely stand-alone and were written as a sort of epilogue to the series.
1. Smoke

Smoke 

The smoke curled above her face like a serpent, writhing in the warm air, twisting and coiling as it rose higher and higher, eventually dissipating and her emerald gaze fell back to the cigarette in her hand, half-dangling from between her index and middle finger.  The acerbic smoke was hypnotic, a living thing existing as vapor, created from the burning tip of the cigarette in her hand.  She closed her eyes and brought the cigarette to her mouth, inhaling deeply and with relish.  She let the ticklish smoke linger in her lungs and throat for a time before exhaling and resting her arm on the edge of the sink again, letting the cigarette hang once more.  She wouldn't be like Spike, always with a cigarette partially connected to his lips, no, she didn't smoke that way.  The thought of the lean, lanky young man brought stinging tears to her eyes but she blinked them away and blamed the hurt on the smoke, ever rising from the end of the cigarette.

                She wouldn't think about him, no, she refused to be trapped in a moment, stuck living in the past and worrying herself to death about what might have been done.  It had been his choice to leave, his choice to face his destiny and, inevitably, his own death.  Oh, she had heard that Spike and Vicious were fated to die at each other's hands, but that didn't change the fact that it wasn't fair.  Oh, damn fate, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!  Something wet was on her cheek and a salty tear fell upon her lips, her taste buds recoiling from the bitter drop.  What in the …?  Tears?  She was crying?  No!  She wasn't supposed to cry, she had promised herself that she wouldn't mourn that lunkhead …and yet, here she was, sobbing quietly in the toilet room over the sink.  Choking back the noise made her throat raw and brought more tears to her eyes.  No, she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't!  But …Jet was elsewhere, gone from the ship on some errand and Edward …oh, never mind, Ed and Ein had left as well, but they wouldn't be coming back.  No, that had all been a sign of the terrible things to come, when they started by canceling Big Shot, and then when Ed and Ein took off …and now with Spike …with Spike dead.

                She screamed in fury and lashed out with her free hand, smashing the mirror and wincing as slivers and shards of glass caught in her tender skin, but she was still so angry, so angry and sad …with a hard sob, she put out her cigarette beneath her high-heeled boot and stumbled backwards, hitting the wall with more force than she had expected.  Bawling uncontrollably now, she wrapped her arms about herself and slid to the floor, trembling as she gave up repressing her grief and wailed aloud, punching the floor with an ineffective fist, ignoring the sharp pains from the glass embedded in her hand.  She wasn't supposed to care this much, she wasn't supposed to be such a wreck just because everything was falling apart, because her private little dream world was closing in on itself and leaving her alone again.

                Oh, damn that lunkhead, and damn the stupid dog and Edward too for leaving!  Damn Vicious and that wench, Julia …damn them all, and damn Jet too and herself most of all.  They weren't supposed to leave her all alone again, they weren't supposed to abandon her like this …it wasn't supposed to work like this.  And yet, somehow she knew that this was the only way.  Spike had his vendetta against Vicious and death for both was the only eternal exit.  Spike had been lost between the past, present and future and he had been haunted day in, day out by the pieces of his past that held the key to his future.  He had said he wasn't going out to die …he was going out to see if he was alive …and just for a moment, Faye wondered if he had been alive before his death …she hoped so.  Oh, how ungrateful the gods would have to be to take him from this world if he had not had a chance to live once more …but, somehow she was sure that he had been alive, if only for a few moments at the end.  It made her better to think this and her sobs quieted into hiccups as the memories tore at her heart, not memories of her life before the cryogenic chamber however, memories of the time she had spent off and on the Bebop with the rest of the crew, memories of waking up after that whole Scratch ordeal to see Spike smiling down upon her, smoking as always.  An unsteady smile dawned on her face as she remembered eating Ein's dog food right in front of him, and holding Ed's head still to read a message from Tongpu to the Bebop – or more specifically, Spike – and of seeing Jet in his ridiculous hippy garb.  The last image in her mind even made her laugh a little as she reached for her pack of cigarettes beside the toilet and drew one out.

                Her hands shook as she fumbled to light a new one up and she took a deep drag after managing to get the lighter to light up.  She closed her eyes as a few more silent tears made their way down her face and rose shakily, tiny points of crimson dew on her hands from where the broken mirror had cut through her skin and she frowned at her hands.  Jet wouldn't be happy, not only had she shattered the mirror, but also she had hurt herself in the process.  She smiled a little stronger then, her breath catching in her throat as she envisioned Spike, battered and bloody, holding his hand like a gun and whispering, "Bang," before dying at last.  Her breath fled her lungs in a warbling gasp as she shook her head to clear it and sat heavily upon the toilet seat.  It was over, her secret world was crushed and now she had to move out into the real world again …only, now there would be less people to watch her butt when she was getting in over her head, no Ein to torment and no Ed to holler at …well, some things she wouldn't miss _too_ much just yet …

                She grinned as she glanced up at the cracked remains of the mirror still in place and watched the smoke curling up from cigarette.  From the back of her mind, from some hazy memory of her childhood came a familiar little tune, made sorrowful by her recent life experiences, but somehow very special to her all at once.  The smoke formed a stream in the air, rippling like water as a solitary tear blurred her vision and she hummed absent-mindedly …

_Row, row, row your boat …_

_Gently down the stream …_

_Merrily …merrily …merrily …merrily…_

_Life is but a dream …_

Well, she would show him, she would show them all.  Just because Spike was dead was no reason for her to give up on herself, after all, Spike had been the one to lecture her about living in the past.  It was time to prove that she had dutifully learned her lessons …she would make it in this world, even without the poofy-haired bounty hunter faced with the present in one eye and the past in the other.  It would be hard, but Jet was still here and who knew …maybe someday Ed and Ein would return as well …for now though, it was time to separate her fallen fantasyland from reality.  Besides, she thought, smirking, who was she to turn down a challenge from Spike?  Sure, this would probably be the toughest thing she would have to do to prove it to him, but she was going to make sure that he knew she was his better …_just wait until I die, Spike, you haven't escaped me for good!_

Sayonara, Space Cowboy.


	2. Snowfall

Snowfall

Jet Black shivered involuntarily as he watched the snowflakes falling quietly down and swirling in the updrafts only to drop again, heaps of snow already piling against the wall of the ship by the hanger door.  He heard the door open and close softly and his gaze fixed on Faye's reflection in the glass, watching as she kicked her boots against the ship to dislodge the snow.  Melting snowflakes glistened in her violet-navy hair and her cheeks were stained a pastel pink from exposure to the wind and weather outside.  She was wearing a different outfit than usual, more modest to guard her body from the chill of winter and Jet was surprised to discover himself thinking of her like the young girl in the home video – Faye's forgotten past.  Jet had rarely seen her without the barricades up, he'd seldom been given the chance to compare this sultry, troubled woman to the peppy, endearing girl on film.  Even the Faye he was watching now was different from the woman he had met.  Her emerald-green eyes were haunted, her smile a mere ghost of her old smirk and almost as rare as her shadowed laughter.

                Ever since Spike had left …ever since Spike had died …nothing had been the same.  Radical Edward gone, chasing a father who could not even remember the gender of his own child – granted, with Ed it was a bit difficult to determine – and Ein had left with her.  Jet remembered now why he had always hated being alone …the silence was terrible, filled with bitter memories and regrets, the comfortable and familiar air of when Ed was plugged into her computer, dubbed Tomato, with Ein sleeping nearby and Spike quarreling with Faye like teenage siblings or a married couple, and he himself able to spend some relatively quiet moments cooking and working with his bonsai trees.  He hadn't really minded the calm and quiet then, for it had a homey air – the house of a dysfunctional family to be sure, but homey nonetheless.

                He stiffened involuntarily as he caught Faye's reflection advancing on him in the mirror and one of her small hands fell to his shoulder as she spun him around, anger blazing in her eyes and her hand trembled on his shoulder with barely contained fury.  Jet steeled himself for an outburst, momentarily shocked to see unshed tears brimming in her eyes.  

                "Dammit, Jet, why can't you grieve like a normal person?  He was your partner, he was your friend!  Show some emotion, I know you aren't a cold and unfeeling man!  I've wept, I've missed that bastard everyday …and I will never forgive him for leaving us like that, but I can at least understand why, and I will never go a day without missing him …why can't you acknowledge your pain?  Dammit, Jet, show something!" Faye screamed, her punches landing on his chest ineffective at best as she dissolved into tears, raging still.

                Jet looked uncomfortable as he hesitantly put his arms around her and held her to his chest, rubbing her back in sympathy.  "It's okay, Faye, don't worry, everything is going to be fine,"

                "NO!  NO!  Jet, you …you …you just don't understand, that is exactly what I'm talking about!  Cry, holler, shoot something, shoot someone, do SOMETHING!  This, this cannot work.  You can't keep all this hurt inside because in the end it will consume you and destroy you.  Grieve for the past and let it go …please …" She trailed off and pushed away from him, stopping as she backed into a wall and she fixed him with a teary glare.  "Dammit, Jet, for once loose control." She paused and took a calming breath, tears still streaming down her face.  "If …if you need me …I'll be on the ship …" And then she whirled around and fled to her quarters, leaving Jet to his misery.

The wind howling outside seemed to blow right through the hull of the ship and Jet ineffectively tried to keep another shiver from running down his spine.  Faye's words had struck a chord within him and being left with his thoughts had only brought about a storm of remorse, guilt and hastily blinked back tears.  He knew that Spike was gone for good, never to return, and he knew that it wasn't his fault, but he still felt as though he should have done something to help his partner on his vendetta.  He was at his breaking point, the turbulent emotions inside of him were threatening to boil up and spill over and he knew that he could not longer keep it locked up tight inside because it was killing him, slowly but surely.  He sank heavily to the cool floor, though his thigh protested the movement strongly and buried his face in his hands, crying hard sobs that wracked his whole body and, amazingly enough, released some of the pain roiling within his heart and mind.  He had been making himself sick lately from the grief buried deep inside and he found himself smiling weakly at the relief crying had brought.

                His face had dried by the time he registered Faye's presence by the couch.  "How about that, Faye …I even cry with control …" His voice was self-mocking, but his tone gentled as he continued.  "Though I loathe admitting it, I think you're right when you said the tears help to heal.

                "I never said that." She replied softly.

                "Not in as many words, no."

                She was quiet for a time before speaking again.  "For some reason, Jet, it felt right to be leaving to a place that I belonged.  I had to have the answers to my past …I had to know that the life I had lived before was truly dead.  I understand now that Spike had to do the same thing.  We had to face our pasts in order to move on to the future.  Unfortunately, Spike's future didn't include surviving his assault on the Red Dragons.  I came back here not just because he asked me to, but also because this place is my home now, even though you guys didn't always want me here.  This place is where I belong, it is here that I am whole, not weeping on the broken remains of my home on some forlorn little planet, not chasing after phantoms of memory that aren't helping me in life anyway …here, on the Bebop, with you." She paused and glanced around.  "I know that I didn't find what I was looking for on that blasted planet, but maybe …maybe if luck is with her, maybe then Ed will finally find her place, with Ein too."

                "Well …if she doesn't …" Jet began slowly, almost thoughtfully,  "we'll always have a place for her here, whenever she's ready to come home." His eyes misted over and his voice thickened with emotion as he paused.  "Thank you for being here, Faye …I know how thick-headed I can be sometimes and I know how much I need someone here to knock some sense into me at times.  Used to be Spike made sure I wasn't being stupid, but I guess you're doing a pretty good job, for a rookie."

                Faye laughed softly, a sound almost like her old laugh and pulled out a cigarette, accepting the lighter he tossed her.  "Hey, in time even rookies turn into partners, Jet.  We're just gonna have to adjust, you know, make do like we always have.  His time in life was up, but we're still here …" She trailed off and inhaled deeply, handing back the lighter.

                "…We're gonna carry that weight …" He finished reverently, feeling almost good once more as the snow fell on the Bebop, powdering the world with a fresh start.

We're gonna carry that weight …together.


	3. Bang

Bang

Lin.  Julia.  Vicious.  Untold members of the Red Dragon.  All dead because of him, whether directly or indirectly, all their deaths were on his head.  Jet had been shot, wounded in the thigh by the bullet, because of him.  Faye's ship was half-destroyed if not worse and the Bebop wasn't exactly fairing well either.  Once again, his fault.  It seemed, to him anyway, that he was the root of all the problems in his life, and in the lives of everyone he was close to or tried to be near.  Maybe it was better that he was dying, that way he couldn't be held accountable for any more deaths, that way the pain would end.  With each faltering step he took, another wave of agony took him, even the hurt from dozens of scrapes and bruises was causing him more suffering than he cared to imagine.  Funny, he had always thought that death would be more or less painless, this was anything but.  And still, the guilt eroding his mind and burning his conscience was more powerful, more painful than the combined pain of all his injuries, mortal and slight.  He let out a grunt of pain as he went down another step.

Step.  Ouch.  Another stumbling step to get both feet down on the same stair.

                His thoughts were hazy, little more than a chaotic whorl …everything fading in and out and mixing together …the faces of the surviving members of the Red Dragon Syndicate disappearing from his vision as his thoughts drifted to Julia, his love, Vicious's love.  If only she had stayed down like he ordered, then maybe …no.  There had been more men on the way and she would have been a pathetically easy target if she had remained on the ground.  They were used to taking risks in order to survive, it was something one learned early on if they wanted to rise to the top in the syndicate or to escape somehow.  She had the option to leave and she had chosen to stay with him …not much of a choice really, in the end it was inevitable.  He hadn't been able to get away from it and neither had she and so in the end they were consumed by it, like all the others, like Shin and Lin and Vicious and the Elders.  The Red Dragon Syndicate would have them all soon, and …he wasn't sure what would happen to the others now, now that there was no absolute leader, now that the Elders were murdered and the prime candidates for succession dead.  That didn't matter …in the end, all that mattered was them, the three …Julia …dead …Vicious …

                He and Vicious had always been so alike, and yet so different.  In the end, they had both known how things would go down.  They had been like brothers in the beginning, working together and fighting together …Julia had been Vicious's from the start, but things had spiraled into chaos.  He hadn't planned on falling so hard for Julia, and he certainly hadn't expected her to reciprocate, but he had known that once they had been together, he could no longer stay there in the syndicate.  For the first time in his life, something had mattered more to him, but …apparently things hadn't been meant to be for he and Julia.  He could only imagine how Vicious would have felt once he found out that the two people closest to him had betrayed him …blood of my blood …it was too late.  It was over.  Vicious was dead, and he would be soon to follow …

Step.  More pain …he staggered slightly as he worked to put his other foot down.

                His thoughts eddied again and focused on Jet Black …his partner, his friend.  Jet had known what was running through Spike's mind as he had eaten the cursed meal of bell peppers and beef.  His last meal …his last conversation with the man who had pulled him from the fire countless times, and for whom he had returned the favor.  He hoped that Jet's leg wasn't bothering him, it hadn't been his intention for his friend to be shot.  He wondered vaguely if Jet had ever told him about how he had lost his real arm …if he had, the memory of it was not forthcoming.  The two of them had been shrouded in mystery from themselves and even from each other …but Jet was a solid, reliable soul, someone you could depend on and trust while he on the other hand …he brought death and pain to those he cared most about.  A cursed life …a cursed life that was too soon to end, if he could be any judge of the matter.

                He was dying.  Hadn't he already been dead once though?  How many times could a person die anyway?  Unless he was truly like the cat in the story, doomed to live a million lives and to die a million deaths before meeting his one love and having her die, only then to die himself and to be freed at last.  He could feel his own blood, hot and sticky, soaking through his trench coat and bringing him ever closer to death.  There would be no miracle recoveries this time, Faye and Jet wouldn't be there to bind his wounds and to heal him.  Jet's ship had been shot up to hell in the assault by the syndicate when they had been searching for him.  Faye's ship was even worse, again because of him …Faye …

Step.  Stumble, bleed, and moan.  Both feet on same stair, good.  Step, step …

                Faye, with her own jaded past, a past that she couldn't fully recall.  Wait.  What had she told him before he left?  She remembered …she had gone to her past and she had remembered …at least her haunting past would not be her grave.  She had been scared to stop him from leaving, scared to try, but even more scared of letting him leave without saying goodbye in her own unique way.  No joking or tales to try and lighten the moment as it had been with Jet.  It had been Faye he was facing, Faye who had to confront him, Faye whom he had given a piece of his past.  He had never told anyone before how he had lost his eye, never really seen it as worth mentioning …he had shocked her, frightened her, and maybe even brought her close to understanding why he had left.  It wasn't to avenge Julia, although that was part of it.  It wasn't to die uselessly in a battle that had been foretold.  'They are fated to die at each other's hands.'  Fate was a bitch, but so was life.  Faye was the only one who could possibly understand what he was facing, what he had to do.  He wondered if she knew what he meant, wondered if she understood now …oh well, no matter …

                He realized he regretted never saying goodbye to Edward or Ein, the strange and nearly inseparable duo …the ingenious pair who had left before him.  Gone to find their place in this crazy world, and he found himself rooting them on.  His mind was muddled and slipping further, thankfully he could no longer remember the pain and humiliation from being beaten up by Ed's father.  Oh, he would not have lasted long in a ring with that fellow …good eggs though, a welcome change they had been from the bell peppers and beef, and the occasional bad mushroom.  He found himself missing the girl and dog, and smiled ruefully at that.  Maybe someday they would return to the Bebop, Jet would never turn them away …they'd all be fine without him …

Step.  The Syndicate members were there again, watching him.  Step.  Stop.  He grinned weakly and raised his arm, making the shape of a gun with his hand.  "Bang."  …And he was borne away on a wave of ever-fading pain …

It's been a wild ride, Space Cowboy …


	4. Sunset

Sunset

Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the fourth gazed with wonder at the bright meteorites streaking across the darkening sky, long rainbows of white light falling through the layers of colored sky, the crimsons, azures, golds, violets, periwinkle, and honeyed yellows of the setting sun.  She giggled happily and reached over to stroke Ein's shaggy fur, making a mental note to get the dog's fur trimmed in the future.  She had always known that the earth was still beautiful, especially on nights like these.  Before she had joined the crew of the Bebop she had watched the sun setting by herself, daydreaming about having a family to call her own, wondering whether her father was alive out there and searching for her, speculating on what the other children were doing back at the orphanage place she had stayed for a while.  It was different now with Ein and after her experiences on the Bebop, for while she had always been comforted by the brilliance of the dying sun, she felt worlds better with a companion such as Ein.  

                She had given the dog the chance to stay with the ship and Ein had opted to remain with her and she still hadn't gotten over how privately relieved she was.  It made the days seem brighter and the nights less empty when you traveled with a friend.  She took a deep breath and her face contorted as she encountered the hollow pit within her chest again, right where her heart was.  Spike-person was gone, gone for good.  She wasn't sure quite how she knew this, but she did, and Ein appeared to know as well, for the dog wasn't as chipper as normal.  It hurt some, but even she, as crazy and energetic as she knew herself to be, even she knew that it was for the best.  Spike-person was a troubled man, she could see the past paining him deep inside, and within the depths of his miscolored eyes.  He had brooded a great deal, and even when he laughed it sounded a bit forced.  She hoped he was at peace now …but still she felt the anguish of loosing him, and her family on the Bebop …a solitary tear slipped down her face as she remembered giving Spike-person her pin-wheel, and she had seen the look of confusion in his eyes, as if he could not recall the simple joys of life and how much fun it could be to just watch the wind blow the brightly colored wheels.  

                She felt a damp, saw-papery tongue lick her face, wiping away her sorrow and she smiled shakily before moaning and throwing her slender arms around Ein's neck.  "Oh, Ein!"  She wailed, sobbing into his fur.  "Edward misses Bebop Bebop!  Edward is sick of trying to find father-person …besides, father-person tried to beat up Spike-person …and Spike-person is gone …" Ein whined in sympathy and nuzzled her face.  "Edward wants to go home to Bebop Bebop, Ein.  Edward doesn't feel right here.  Ed does not belong.  Faye-Faye told Ed to find where she fits in …but Edward felt at home on the ship …Ed is confused."

                Ein whimpered again as she pulled away and wiped at her eyes, her gaze shifting once more to the sunset enhanced by the meteor shower.  She bit her lip, and sighed, flopping onto the dusty ground on her back to watch the stars appear in the navy sky above.  The stars made her long even more to be back on the Bebop, cruising to another world to try and pick up the current bounty.   She wondered where the ship was …where Faye-Faye and Jet-person were …she could feel it, deep inside her, they were alive at least.  She could almost imagine feeling their grief, as if it could be transmitted through space like a tangible object.  Perhaps it was her own sorrow that she was feeling and indeed that was most likely.  She was so confused and sad …father-person was out there somewhere, probably in the midst of all the falling rocks on the horizon …

                "Ein, help Edward.  Ed needs to know where to go.  Father-person is out there somewhere on this planet …the Bebop Bebop is elsewhere …but father-person …well, he doesn't feel familiar.  Faye-Faye and Jet-person are on the Bebop, they are at our home …but is it still Ed's home?  She wonders."

                The dog snuffled against her arm and sat down at her side, deep brown eyes watching her as Ein cocked his head to the side and barked once, before lifting his snout to the heavens above.  Ed sighed again.  "That was what Edward was thinking.  But Ed is not certain, Ed needs to find the father-person again before she knows for sure where she belongs." She paused and looked at the dog again.  "Does Ein still want to stay with Edward?"

                Ein yipped an affirmative and stood, licking her face in a sloppy dog kiss.  Edward, laughing, sat up and wrestled with the stocky dog for a time, tumbling over the earth's dusty surface as the stars winked down on them from above.  Ed felt happiness welling from inside her heart and she stood up straight and flung her arms out to the sides before twirling around and around, giggling and laughing as Ein dashed around her, barking up a storm.  She felt giddy and anticipatory, and she was much more pleased with those emotions than with the darker ones that had consumed her thoughts before.  She had a plan in mind and all she had to do was to set it in motion and then she would finally know where she stood in the grand scheme of things.

                She did a spin-jump and shouted out to the world in tones of mirth and glee,  "Edward is on her way!  Father-person, Bebop Bebop …Faye-Faye and Jet-person, soon, Ed will know where to go to go home!" She laughed again and bent down to scoop up the dog.  "C'mon, Ein, we've got a mission." And she spun before setting Ein down to pick up her computer, dubbed Tomato, and to balance it atop her head.  She wasn't certain where she was going or how she was going to get there, but at least now she had her purpose back in mind.  Her thoughts however refused to stay buoyed to the future, and she found herself wandering amongst her memories as she walked along, Ein dancing at her heels and with the meteors still shooting across the sky.

                Her brow furrowed as she pursed her lips and considered her abrupt departure from the Bebop a few weeks back.  After talking with Faye-Faye she had been almost positive of what to do, and so she had paid one last visit to Spike-person before writing her goodbye, along with her signature smiley, on the launching runway of the Bebop.  If she had stayed long enough to give her friends a real goodbye, she might have never left, and to find her destiny, she had to leave.  But …supposing that her place was not with her father …what then?  Spike-person was gone from the Bebop …things would be different there, of course, they couldn't help but be …Jet-person would let her stay, her and Ein.  He was nice, he had always been there for them, unlike father-person, he had taken her under his wing and treated her like a real person …well, most of the time.  He made sure she ate – though she was practically the only one who ever enjoyed the meals – and he had taken her places sometimes.  She looked down as Ein rubbed against her ankles and smiled.  Well, best to deal with things one step at a time, she could sort everything out at a later date, once she found where she belonged.  For a moment, tears burned anew in her eyes, and she did not bother to stop them from falling as she began to hum her little song and she smiled up at the sky, filled with twinkling lights and the meteor rainbows.  "Edward will miss you, Spike …I hope your dreams now do not torment you as the ones in life did."

Owari


End file.
